Monday, February 13, 2012

Ten Reasons Vampires Shouldn’t Sparkle

By Kelly Fisher

These are in no particular order and may contain spoilers. These are only my personal opinions.

1. They are creatures of the night.

They lurk in the shadows. They don’t want to be center of attention. They want to fade into the background, to be overlooked, to catch you off your guard. Even if they have evolved over the years and may be able to withstand sunlight they still wish to maintain a low profile and sparkling in the sunlight would certainly make that tough.

2. They are hardcore.

When’s the last time you saw someone that was bathed in glitter and said to yourself, “Wow I bet that person can kick my a$$?” Yeah, I didn’t think so. Nothing that sparkles is scary. When I think of glitter I think of Kesha or unicorns, neither of which is scary. Ok Kesha is a little.


3. They are seductive.

They want to lure you in. They are sexy and suave. They look in your eyes and you are instantly ready to give them whatever they ask of you. Sparkling would take away from this because it would blind you, awakening from your trance. Let’s face it a sparkling vampire would get no play.


4. They are evil.

When I see something sparkle I certainly think it’s evil, don’t you? No? That is because evil is dark and when something sparkles it needs light to do so, as in a diamond sparkles in the candlelight. Why don’t those vampires sparkle in the candlelight anyway? They only sparkle in the sunlight but not in any artificial light? That makes no sense.


5. They are warriors.

Vampires fight. They fight each other; they fight with werewolves, hell they fight to survive. If someone sparkling came up to you looking for a fight would you not laugh in there face and then proceed to knock them out? I know I would.

6. They are predators

They want to eat you. They crave the blood running through your veins. Most predators sneak up on their prey not bust out bedazzled thinking that will work. It would only scare off its prey. A shiny vampire is a hungry vampire.

7. They are mature.

Most vampires have been around for centuries therefore they are way past going to raves and throwing glitter bombs. They may have the looks of a teenager but after seeing many lifetimes they wouldn’t have the maturity level of a teenager.

8. They are emotional, not emo.

Yeah I know emo essentially means emotionally but a vampire shouldn’t have teenage angst. They could have angst about several other issues but I think it’s safe to assume that most of them hit puberty a long time ago. So while they may wear their emotions on their sleeves (and isn’t that way we find some of them so endearing?) they also know how to control their emotions.

9. They are killers.

They have no feelings of guilt if they drain you dry and leave your empty shell to rot. Something that sparkles does not evoke a sense of danger to me, but real vampires are deadly. They don’t care about you.

10. They are freaking vampires! Come on!

No further explanation needed.

3 comments:

Pastor Michael Frisbee said...

11. Vampires don't exist. Non existent beings can't sparkle.

Caren said...

LOL! that's true Pastor Frisbee :)

Fred Brimstone said...

You forgot Reason 10:

Vampires don't sparkle because they don't exist.

Warriors? Hardcore? (snort)
I've yet to encounter one of these "real vampires" I couldn't beat the crap out of .

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