Monday, February 27, 2012

Ten Reasons There Will Be No Zombie Apocalypse

By Kelly Fisher

These are in no particular order and may contain spoilers. These are only my personal opinions.

1.      They are slow.

 Come on they are mostly dead with a touch of life left in them. They tend to drag their feet and shuffle a lot, if they are able to catch you then perhaps you deserve to become one of them.

2.      They want to eat your brains.

Look I understand teeth are strong and all but strong enough to bite down and bust through a skull? Really? There is no way I am going to believe that teeth could ever chomp down and break through the skull bone.

3.      They don’t seem too bright.

So most zombies I have ever come across can’t even talk all they do is moan and groan and if they do manage to say one word it is usually “brains.”  They just shuffle around looking for someone to eat. They also tend to travel in hordes so you should be able to see them coming, simply avoid them and you’ll be fine.

4.      Quarantine.

Let’s face it if something like a zombie infection would go down they would quarantine the infected areas. They aren’t going to let something like that spread. Who are they you ask? See reason 5 below.

5.      The Government

Like I said in Reason 4 the government is going to step in with placing infected areas under quarantine. If that wouldn’t work I think they would end up possibly bombing the infected areas. If healthy people happen to be in those areas trying to fight for their lives do you think the government would care? I think we all know the answer to that question.

6.      We have lots of guns!

Do you really think a horde of zombies could make it down a single block in the ghetto? I don’t.

7.      We are already prepared and waiting.

Scoff if you will but I know I can’t be the only one out there that has already laid out plans with her family if a zombie apocalypse occurs. Yes my family has a zombie apocalypse emergency plan, does yours?

8.      Most of them will already be enclosed.

If the dead are supposed to rise they are going to have a tough go at it, once they make it out of their casket and realize they are encased in a vault of some kind. Good luck getting out of that guys.

  9.      They are rotting corpses.

Eventually they are going to fall apart and imply rot away since that is what dead things do.

10.  They’re dead!

“This is the really real world and there ain’t no coming back.”

(10 bonus points for anyone that can guess what movie that quote is from)